"What a Wonderful world"

Tuesday, June 10, 2003

Wow so much has happened well lets see on Friday night I went to the improv champs vs. de la salle. It was fun and entertaining! Then a bunch of us went to Mels dinner that was ok not so entertaining.. Ill give it a C but after we left Mels is when the real fun started. Nick, john, Ryan , Brendan and myself all hoped in the car and drove to canyon! It was so hot in the car I felt that we were all getting carsick. So we get to the top.. or I at least thought it was the top and we busted out our cigarsit took us a long time to light them cuz it was so windy. So Ryan runs across the road to search for a not so windy stopha ha it was funny. And it was so cold so our fingers were shaking and we couldnt light and foolish lil nick fuckin was so naked all he had on was jeans and a shirt.. We were all in sweatshirts. So we all hope back in the car and head back down to w.c. And we get on top of EMP and we smoke them. God it was the most fun Ive ever had in my entire well maybe not life but in a long long long time! It was great! It was amazing! It was fuckin savage!

Well then on Saturday I went to a grad party at kaseys. It was fun and chill good times. I Love my Friends so much! But they were disgusted that I smoked a cigarand even Lo was all thats gross. Then I could tell she was getting all-jealous when I was talking to people about it. And then she comes up to me and is all yeah I want to smoke with you sometime. Whatever. I hate people that pose. Well I spent the night a kass and then haled ass out of there in the morning. Then Sunday I just chilled and when to baccalaureate. That was fun. Ryan b. sang such a great song good hes voice just melts my heart.

Now its Tuesday night and Im just done finishing my studying for my finals tomorrow.

 

Ive been having such a hard time holding back everything. Im having such a hard time expressing how I feel. Ive been feeling a whole jumble of emotions and there all being pooped out into something that I cant make out. Is anyone else feeling like this? Can you not defer your emotions either am I suppose to feel like this?

May 30, 2003,

I want to find a place for me. I want to belong. I want to look at the world around me and smile. Just Because. I want to quit waiting... waiting for nothing. I want to fall in love. I want to let everything go. I want to stick my arms out and spin around and around in circles until i'm so dizzy i fall down. I want to look at the sky and imagine everything beyond this world. I want to quit holding back, I want to quit running from everything i'm scared of, and let myself fall. I want to be able to die tomorrow and have no regrets about the life i have lived. I want to love with my whole heart, holding nothing back, knowing once its broken i will never find that *one* piece. the piece that's always missing.

This is Home....

May 27, 2003

Wow this past weekend has been amazing .....

I had the best time ever. I spent all weekend with all my best-est of friends. Yesterday all of us went to the beach we went to Capitola and then we went to Santa Cruz. We spent the whole day out! And it was the best day ever! We got up and met at 9 in the morning. We headed out and got to Capitola at like 10:30 it was nice. the beach was pretty crowded but not at crowded as it was when we left at 3. we all went to Pizza my Heart the first thing after hitting the beach. It was sooo yummy. And the dorks that we are we all got matching shirts! Tee hee I love being a dork! Well after we spent millions of hours on the beach we all showered and packed up and left and headed ok get this the Santa Cruz Pizza my Heart! Yeah we did!! Then spent a couple hours in down town Santa Cruz.

I loved going to Capitola and Santa Cruz it reminded me of Monterey bay and got me more excited about going to school next year. It almost was like a sneak peek of my new home. It calmed my nervous a bit and now Im looking more forward to leaving. Well Im not exactly looking forward to leaving my I know now what I need to expect.

Well I'm out

mel

"You took the best of me And threw it away Too bad the rest of me Still wants you to stay
May 23, 2003

Wow first of all I need to apoligize for being way to lazy to update this past week, but I asure a shit load has happened so please read on. Well lets first start senior ball was last weekend. I had suck a good time with all my friends. My friends and I took some really good pictures. Ill put some up actually if your reading this they are already up. Click Here to see them. My date on the other hand was a whole nother story. Shit I never knew I had so many pet peeves until I met him. Well anyways thats over and done with and hopefully as rach said I will never have to see his ugly face again well besides that I had sooooo much fun! Damn I forgot how much fun everyone is when your sourronded around people you love. And can you belilve that my date had the nerve to fuckin complain the whole night cuz I wasnt spending anytime with him and I wasnt dancing with him. Holy shit sereiously he acted like he was 10 and he needed to be center of attention all the time. Damn kid grow up, I fuckin payed for you so sit down shut up and watch me have a good time bitch. Ha ha ok sorry that was a lil meanand I know that I could never say that to his face so thats what my site is for. I hide behind my site Ill admit it. Well anyways I just want to give a huge hug and send a thank you to Lo, Kas, Ritu, Kat, and Mary. And I just wanna thank you for always being my friends through thick and thin. I love you guys so much and I will miss you the most out of everyone in the entire world when we leave in the summer. <tears> see I really do hide behind my site, cuz I have never been able to show or tell you how much I love you, and everytime I try to show it I just push you away. And I know that you all want an explantion for why I just left you sophmore year and I dont have one.i dont have anything to say to explain myself. I just know that my actions where stupid and no other friend or whatever is worth losing kat, kas,ritu,mary and lo. You are and will always be everything I live for and everything that is worth living for in my life.

I know this is cheese-y but Sheryl crow once wrote Broken promises are no worse than words never said and I hope that every promise I have ever told you I did and hopefully all the words I could never say are felt out in my actions.

Oh god Im actually crying now.. ok hold on I need to get a tissue.

Well Im so sorry that I totally got off track of what I really was talking about its just that I just camw back from this amazing picicnic with everyone and I had a Blast! And I just wanted to let them know that I feel foolish for ever leaving. And I wont call in leaving cuz for sure Im back it was more like a vacation. And Im sorry I took it.

Until next time which will be tomorrow

Love melody

"So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind. Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time. Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial. For what it's worth, it was worth all the while. It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right." - Green Day

 

so I did one of those forwarded e-mail thing-ys and this is the first one ever that I liked enough to put it on my site. Its very interesting really you should read it. Ill give you my results.

Put the following 5 animals in the order of your preference.                           

Ø      > > Cow Tiger Sheep Horse Pig

 

sheep            

tiger

cow

pig

horse

 

> > > Write one word that describes each one of the following:

 

> > > Dog                   loyal

> > > Cat                    kind

> > > Rat                    dirty

> > > Coffee               energy

> > > Sea                   beautiful

 

Think of someone (who also knows you and is important to you) that

> > > you can relate them to the following colors (do not repeat your answer

> > > twice. Name just one person for each color.)

> > >

> > >

Ø      Yellow             Hannah

Ø      Orange                      Katherine

Ø       Red                Lauren

Ø      White             Nick

Ø      Green             John

 

Results:

This will define your priorities in your life.

> > >

> > > Cow Signifies CAREER

> > >

> > > Tiger Signifies PRIDE

> > >

> > > Sheep Signifies LOVE

> > >

> > > Horse Signifies FAMILY

> > >

> > > Pig Signifies MONEY

 

Your description of dog implies your own personality.

> > > Your description of cat implies the personality of your partner.

> > > Your description of rat implies the personality of your enemies.

> > > Your description of coffee is how you interpret sex.

Ø      > > Your description of the sea implies your own life.

 

Yellow: Someone you will never forget

> > >

> > > Orange: Someone you consider your true friend

> > >

> > > Red: Someone that you really love

> > >

> > > White: Your twin soul

> > >

Ø      > > Green: Someone that you will remember for the rest of your life

 

yeah ok thats my lil source of happiness for these past couple of days. That took longer to type then I thought it would I have to go get my eyebrows done for Ball now I might update more when I get home.

And Im out

Mel

Date: May 9, 2003

Sometimes I just wanna run away for ever

Hey Im so sorry I havent written in like a week. I hope everything out there in reality is treating you well. Well I guess it would be easier for me to start today and work backward about everything thats been happening this week. Well today I had my senior project presentation on Blues and Jazz music. I had fun giving it. And what made it even more special Nick, Hannah, Kasey, Amy and Parisa all came to see it! Yay Im so happy plus I got an A on it! Whoo! Im on fuckin fire. It was Hannahs birthday on Tues so tonight shes having a lil cut-sie sleepover. Hee hee I wish I was still a young freshman. Ive been having a lot of problems with my mom this week. I know nothing new,. Its just getting worse, and lol all this running away just doesnt seem to be getting to her. I fuckin hate that Im trying to make a point and she listens to me for like 2 days after I get back then she fuckin starts to be a bitch again. Sometimes I just wanna run away forever

Im so sorry that I keep on falling, help me up and well keep on runnin ~ no doubt

well senior ball is in 1 week.. <Excited giggles> Im excited. Seeing all these pictures from prom this past weekend got me all syked!

Im getting ready right now for CMEA competition. Its my last one so my mom is coming.

Sorry I have to get a bunch of shit ready but Ill update more tomorrow I promise

And Im out

mel

Date: May 4, 2003

Can someone comfort me?

 

So its about 7:45 and its Sunday ok lets start with good news: I went yesterday to Monterey and went to the huge registration. I like the campus mucho. Its so pretty. And the bay, and the water. And the everything. Its just so nice! <Smiles> J J but the sad thing is well I just didnt like the whole nor-cal and so-cal thing. Everyone just split up. Well and I didnt make any friends and it surprised me. I just made one friend hes name is Todd and he was really good! Good what? I dont know hes just good! <Wink> he was really nice to me and he helped register for my classes. He was just so nice. He was a junior. And still undeclared <hee hee> and he was just so nice and funny.

They had prom this past weekend nick and john went I cant wait to hear how it went Ill write about it if anything interesting happened. Umm lets see what else. Oh yeah Im taking this really cool class next year is Rock n Roll Films. We like watch Rock n Roll films and critic them. I finally got all my ball shit done! Yea!

Im on that Atkins diet thing-y. Its the 1^st or 2^nd day and I havent cheated! Woohoo! But I really want to.

I really want to move out. But you know whats really weird is when I was registering for classes and visiting, it feels like Im going to summer camp more then going off to college. Is that weird? Do you feel like that too? Can someone comfort me?

Thats not health. Because Im sure if I go on thinking like this then I will become to comfortable and when I get there is will be a big slap in the face. And I dont like slaps. Especially not big ones.

And Im out

Mel

I woke up this morning after I was killed in my dream. In my dream, my best friends Hannah, Christen and I had fashioned a houseboat out of plywood and were racing a canoe full of savages down a raging river. We lost control of our boat and we were forced ashore. Hannah and Christen were shot with an arrow and I was hacked to death with an axe. When I woke up I still had two hours until my alarm went off. Is there anything better than that feeling? Let's move on..... look around have fun! and i'm out mel

 

Date: April 30 2003

All Ways With You All Ways With Me

Yeah so I dont know whats going.. Im having such bad mood swings. Ahh I dont know whats going on. Last week I went to Banana Rep. And visited everyone and I saw Andrew and all my old managers and shit. It was really nice. then I went out with Christen and Stacy for dinner. I dont know if I already talked about this. Well anyways then I chilled hella with megan this weekend it was nice. she said thats shes been in touch with Jamie but I havent been able to get a hold of her.. well Ive been trying. So senior ball is in 2 12 weeks and I just got my invitation today. Its gonna be fun. I didnt wanna go so the longest time but Im going to have so much fun hanging out with Lauren, Katherine, Mary and Kasey ect. This is gonna be great!. Anyways yeah you really wanna hear something dorky Megan came over today and we tried on out dresses for each other and danced.. yeah I said danced around my house. Tee Hee hee. It was hella dorky and fun!

Oh yeah on Monday Lauren and Greg took me to yoga. It was amazing. It was the most amazing experience of my life! I felt serenity and bliss. Omg words can not describe the way I feel and the way I felt. Im still a lil sore but Ive been doing yoga and stretching everyday so its not to bad. Oh yeah and Im excited cuz I convinced Nick to come with me next time..!!!!!!!! yay!!! Happiness. I wish I was happy right now. I dont know why Im not tho.

Dont you wish you were in a situation were it didnt have to take another person to make you happy.

I hate my mom more now then ever. I hate her so much!

Ok sorry that was random, but this weekend I have to go to Monterey Bay and resister for my classes next year. : ( poop on a stick I dont wanna spend it with my mom. Im going to kill her.

I cant wait for the Lizzie McGrier Movie and the Finding Nemo movie to come out!! I guess thats what will make me happy.

I have to go on Sunday and do my Senior ball hair consultation. Yep no lie.

Umm also me and pierce.. or pierce and I are planning to take pole dancing class and then go and do stripping.  <finger thing> hee hee!! Yay!!

We got our cap and gown for graduation yesterday at the senior picnic which by the way sucked ass.

And Im out

mel

My cats breath smells like cat food!

April 24, 2003 How is everyone? Good I hope! So I got back from Santa Cruz last night. We had fun, we did skee-ball, the beach, a diner, the boardwalk, candy apples, Bowling!!! Wohhooo we had a lot more fun then I thought we would. We had some drama. But we tried to get over it. Umm. Yeah rach met this really cute bowler at the alley and he was sooo nice and was sooo good! Anyways we had fun and thats pretty much all have to say about that. Im going out tonight with christen and Stacy tonight yay!! And I am soooooooooo badly looking for a job. I mean Im contemplating prostitution cuz Im so desperate. LoL!

Well on a brighter note: Vabim and I are chillin this weekend. I hope we get along well.

And Im out

mel

Sometimes I wanna just jump in a fountain, without a care in the world. Just let the water wash my troubles away.

April 21, 2003

So its Monday night yes yes it is. And Im having a pretty good day. I found out that I love everything today.. ok that was a lie, I dont love everything but almost everything. Oh no bad news tho there is this kid in my band class <ok how band geek was that> and I think I like him. I dont know what Im doing he sits next to me and Im friends with his girl friend and everything. I dont think Ive ever done this before. His name is Carson and hes soooo funny and great. And I love going to that class so we can talk. Im sorry. Ok I dont even know why Im saying sorry its not like Ive sinned or anything. Ok now Im getting all nervous like Ive done something wrong.

Ok Im over it. Im not gonna think about it anymore.

Oh and you should feel very special cuz I havent told anyone about me liking him before.

This weekend I was feeling a lil better so I went to that macys cuz they had that big sale so I went and got my shoes and jewelry. Oh and by the way I dont think I told you. I have a date to ball. Vadim I met him through Rach. Hes cool we get along well. And thats all I ask for.. oh yeah and that hes a good dancer!<wink>

Um tomorrow I leave for Santa Cruz for a couple of days. Its amys b-day and so the girls and I are all going down there for 2 days and a night. I hope we have fun and that it doesnt rain. Ill tell you all about it when I get back.

Oh and I might go and apply for Banana Rep. For Men! Just thought you should know!

And Im out

Peace ~ mel

 

April 17, 2003

So Jamie got out of the hospital last Friday. I went and visited her last Thursday and she looked good. Megan and I still havent been able to get in touch with her still I hope shes doing ok. Ummm on a lighter note I got a fuck ball date. I just wanna have a good time thats all I ask.. please <wimper like a lil puppy>

Omg totally off subject but Ive been sick all fuckin week long! Oh god its so bad! I think that this is the worst cold yet. But I went to the doctor today and hes this new guy and he was sooo great! We talked about everything! And I dont know if you know or not but I have this phobia of shots and needles and  he was talking to me and he totally understood what I was going through, so he said that he could help me and he told me that I can find ways to meditate and use like therapy to help me over come the fear. So Im excited and Im gonna try it. Wish me luck!

Random thoughts:

Conan OBrian is a GOD!

Listen to this new song by Wakefield

Oh oh and  Sonja is here on spring break and I talk to her on Saturday and she sounded great! But I wasnt able to see her cuz Ive been sick. I miss her! L

Well Ive just been sitting home all days and all nights, gonna be home again tomorrow and prolly the day after so feel free to call me cuz other wise Ill drive myself crazy.

And Im out

mel

April 9, 2003

So all that stress and hard work all these years finally payed off and Im headed to Monterey Bay State next year. Who would have ever thought?

Well I got bad news today Megan told me that our friend Jamie tried to kill herself yesterday. God I cant even imagin this is so hard. Megan and I are both going to the hospital today to see how shes doing. God Im gonna pray so much for her. Im scared.

-mel

April 6, 2003 Sometimes things just look easier on the outside then they so on the inside. And now that it seems my life is coming to an end, I have nothing to show for it but a bunch of a scrambled up emotions. Not the same ones I entered into this world with, but not different ones. I entered high school feeling lost, confused like a fetus coming out of the embryos. And now Im leaving feeling the same god damn way.

I dont know what Im doing. Do I really deserve to go to college? Cuz I dont think I do. But actually really right now I dont know what I deserve or want. I guess lifes just fucked up that way.

Date: April 3, 2003

Time: 9:55 pm

TiMe iS OnLY Fun WheN yoU DonT NoTIce iT

 

So Im leaving to go down south tomorrow, I dont know part of me wants to go. And the other half doesnt. I hope I dont get into a fight with my mom down there cuz I just dont need it right now. I really want to go to academy of art but we wont be able to afford it. Its unfortunate. Well I went to Monterey Bays open house last night. Omg the most gorgeous girl in the entire world was sitting in front of me. Omg she was a typical girl that I would fall for she looked like she just walked out of an urban store in Berkley. She was just soooo beautiful. I wish I had talked to her gotten her name or something.

Well anyways I didnt really like the stuff they were telling us it was just like high school. The only thing that I really did seem to like is the dorm room there were pretty nice. Well tomorrow my first stop is visiting the Montereys campus. Cross your fingers that I like either Northridge or Monterey cuz if I dont.. Im screwed.  All week Ive been working on my art portfolio for the academy for art school this summer. Ive been really working hard, cant wait till its done! I have until April 26^th.

O O O Im also excited cuz when I go to Northridge for there Open House Rach has a friend John thats going too. So she told him that I was going to, and Im gonna meet him! YAY!! I LOVE meeting new people. <clap> <snap> <jazz hands> <doing a lil gig> WooHoo!

Ok well Im ok and done. Well this spring break has been great!

• Random thought: I really wanna see West Side Story.
• And I cant wait till Sonja comes.
• For my birthday I want balloons that say Happy Birthday Melody
• And Im Lonely
• Am I L or J ?

LOvE MeL

Date: April 2, 2003

Time: 4:45 pm

Friz or Fuzz? A Garden or A Jungle? A Revolution or a Reformation? A Parachute or Jet Pack? A skipping CD or a Broken Record?

 

I know that video from T.A.T.U. the ones like all the things you said or something like that. Well I think its hella hot that those two chicks are making out. Ok thats all I wanted to say. HEY! Shut up its my site I can write whateva I want!

I heard you're doing okay
But I want you to know
I'm a dick
I'm addicted to you
I can't pretend I don't care
When you don't think about me
Do you think I deserve this?

I tried to make you happy but you left anyway

I'm trying to forget that
I'm addicted to you
BUt I want it and I need it
I'm addicted to you
Now it's over
Can't forget what you said
And I never wanna do this again
Heartbreaker Simple Plan ~ Addicted

Ok Simple plans CD GREAT! It really is good. That new No Doubt Video Running dont like the song dont like the video. Its boring.

That chick LA LA on MTV, yeah shes weird

Ok thats all I have to say. Sorry all this TV is getting to me.

|T|e|l|e|v|i|s|i|o|n|

my anti drug

and Im out

mel

5/1/03 You know what I was thinking maybe I should try one of those dating thing-ys. You know cuz you have to me 18 and I really wanna take this 18 thing to full advantage. You know plus I think it would be fun. But then its also a bit resiky and I dont know If I live on the edge enough to go though something like that.Ok that was just the random thought of the day. Night whateva.

And Im out

Mel

Happy April Fools Day!!

Hey Kids sorry I havent updated in awhile. Im really am truly sorry. So Ive been living the lifeok not really, there hasnt been any glam anywhere. Its SPRING BREAK for me right now. So yesterday I hug out with Lauren and we chilled then got manicure it was good times. Then later I hung out with Rach and we went that spent time with her friends Robbie, Vadim and Lindsay. It was fun, but the funn-est <made up word> part was the fact that Rach and me got lost for 2 hours and just Listened to John Mayer YAY!! Woohoo!! Im getting all fun and giggle just thinking about it!

Anyways umm this is what Im thinking right now

Hold on eeeggghhhhh <clears throat> .

"It s the end of the world as we know it" R.E.M.

And Im out

Mel

Date: 3/23/03

Time: 3:04pm

Sex in Zero Gravity

 

Ive been really busy these last couples of days. Thursday car wouldnt start that sucked my poor Maverick had to go to the shop. Ouch. And fuck he still isnt starting, fuck those auto body bastards. Friday I went to hang out with Lauren it was fun we went on saw how to lose a guy in 10 days. Yeah no comment on how is was. L So I also brought up the shit with the group and allyou know Katherine, kasey, Mary, ritu and her self Lauren. And I was like all this shit thats going down with me not hangin with you and everyone its cuz you fuck always back it awkward. The tension between everyone and myself is so high.

Plus you went around and told everyone that I fuckin got up and left you sophomore year. Ok yeah so what I went and made new friends. Why is that a reason not to talk to me anymore? Fuck that if thats the way you want it to be, and then youre the ones that are ruining the friendship not me. Plus I always make an effort to hangout with you guys, I come at lunch and sit with you I talk to you always If we have class together. You have never made the effort. NEVER. Thats not might fault. If you want to be friends with me if fuckin takes two fuckin peoples effort. When I brought it up with Lauren on Friday I thought that she would deny that whole awkward and tension thing, but she was like yeah its true. FUCK THAT IS ALL I HAVE TOO SAY. If you dont want to be my friend then dont.but dont make me feel bad for trying to be yours.

So thats what I thought about all Friday night. Agh then saterday I had to go to the city cuz my lil art exebition thing-y was this weekend yeah it was cool. I met this guy eric, hes cool. He has really beautiful green eyes, I hope we keep in touch.

Im so ready to move out this summer, even if it does mean that I have to go to school I think It would be worth it, plus Im going what I love. Im really considering this, but Im also having my douts about going too. Im just not sure its just a lot of confusin in my head. Well after I got back from the city I went and hung out with Megan. It was fun we chilled and did a whole lot of nothing (which is always fun J) then we met up with a lot of her friends, and with this chick Stephanie. And there was nothing really special about her but the reason that I brough her up is that right before she met up with us she had sex with her bf. Which I know is none of your business, but thats not the point to the story. Well the point is, is that she was so happy all night. With that after sex glow that everyones always talking about. She was laughing and smiling all night, she was in such a good mood, and everyone was commenting on how happy she was and I could really see it in the way she walked and the way she looked at him. I got sad, cuz Im not a pussy and Im not desperate. I just really wish I had that, and I could have the glow. And I was happy. And I understand that everyone always tells me that the situaltion of dating is always over-rated, but why listen to other people when I know its something that I really want.

And thats the note that Im gonna leave you on

And Im out

Mel

3/20/03

"One Love, One Heart
Let's get together and feel all right
Hear the children crying (One Love)
Hear the children crying (One Heart)
Sayin' give thanks and praise to the Lord and I will feel all right
Sayin' let's get together and feel all right

Let them all pass all their dirty remarks (One Love)
There is one question I'd really like to ask (One Heart)
Is there a place for the hopeless sinner
Who has hurt all mankind just to save his own?
Believe me" Bob Marley ~ One love

 I really dont know what to say. Just a lot of stuff going on in my head. Actually I really dont want to talk about it.

Umm lets see I have my art exebition this weekend in the city. Im nervous dont exactly have my piece done yet. Yeah so thats it

I hate this entire senior ball shit. I hate having a dress and no date. I hate just being me. Im just frustrated about everything going on. I just wanna scream. AHHHHHHH <face in the pillow scream> FUCK!! Im just sad and mad, and part of me want to cry from frustration and laugh from insecurities. And thats not gonna get my anywhere . And I know it.

And Im out

mel

Date: March 17, 2003

Time:5:42 pm

I randomly came across this on a site. I  thought some of them were interesting so here we go

Ten Things Only Stoners Believe

1.The Black Crowes' Amorica is just an all-around stellar album.
2.Kyuss was the most important band of the 90's
3.Valerie Bertinelli is so hot- and also so lucky
4.The Clash should have made more reggae songs
5.Hendrix's "If only 6 were 9" is not only awesome, but also true.
6.Quadrophenia is completely biblical
7.The guitars on My Bloody Valentine's Loveless sound like whales having sex--and those whales are totally high
8.the kid from the Streets is like Dylan or Lennon or something
9."The Man" is out to stomp on but only our buzz but also on our right to download loosely executed songs featuring hand drums
10.The Chronic is the best hip-hop album of 2001.

 

Is it just me or does that not make sence and even if you do try to re-word it, it still wont work. Anyways that was fun

And Im out

Mel

Date: March 12, 2003

Time: 7:02

Here to the Night

 

You enter the dance; evil glares being tossed left and right. Its like walking down the red carpet except for everyone praising you, there judging you by what your wearing and who your with. You toss it all asides and start to dance; you sit down talk, and then dance some more. You shortly realize that this dance wasnt that it was fed up to be and you dont understand why you were so worked up about it 3 months in advance. You then hear gossip about after parties already beginning up stairs so you head up with your date.

 

He gets you a drink you both talk to each others friends, you touch his shoulder and whisper in his ear that your going to go walk around for alil bit and check out the other rooms. He nods letting you know he understands and you re-fill your drink and head out. You run into a couple friends here and there, most likely you wont know there date so theyll introduce you. And you keep on walking or dancing along suite to suite. Never a moment passes you dont have a drink in your hand. You eventually make it to the room with the best music being played, probably something Pink Floyd with a bunch of stoners sitting on the floor playing video games. You make your way to the corner and squeeze into the couch. You end up getting light headed from all the smoke and all the drinks you had you and pass out. An un-known amount of time passes and you awaken to a sharp pain to realize that a tall, red haired, pimple faced boy that you dont recognize is fucking you. And au contraire to what people say losing your virginity hurts a lot more then anything you have ever felt. In the mist of all the pain you pass out again to later wake up to the cheering of boys circled around you playing poker with your money that you had stuffed in your bra that you where no longer wearing. You stumble to your feet and quickly try to grab your belongings as you trip and fall because the walls are swirling and slowly moving in towards you. You quickly run out of the room still top less but no one seems to notice. You clutch your clothing and dress close to you as you run down the hallway your torso and thighs still throbbing with pain from when you where fucked. You see someone you recognize but arent exactly sure who, your eyes are all filled with tears and everything is a blur. They grab your hand and lead you to there room. You fall asleep and wake up before anyone can notice that you were gone. You look for the familiar face and find it on the floor next to you. its your date.

And Im out

Mel

Date: March 7, 2003

Time: 6:37

"You wait your whole life for one day, and suddenly, it's tomorrow..."

 

Why do I let people tell me what to do? Why do I let people influence me so much? I guess I'm just a push over. I think now is when I complain and bitch about my life and whatever. I don't feel like it. I don't feel like doing anything. I just feel like sitting here and being pathetic for the next 6 days until school starts. I'm hoping something, as boring and frustrating will make me forget stuff that actually involves emotions. Emotions suck. So does everything else in this damn shit hole I call life.

I was so frustrated today I just went to he bathroom and cut my hairjust cut a bunch of it off. Not so smart. But It was one of those impulse things. As of the optimistic, that's a really hard word to spell, part I can't be optimistic when I feel like SHIT. So that's obviously not working for me.

I just like to take this time to say people that smoke shouldn't! It's gross and really bad. That's random... I'm in a random kinda mood.

And Im out

Mel

Date: March 5, 2003

Time: 11:55 am

 

If I could be how you wanted. All the time

 I dont know Im having problems again and I m not sure if I really want, but I know I can do it. I want to love, but am I capable? And why whenever a situation where I can love/like someone comes up I get scared. I thought I got over it this summer with Chris and Brian. I thought thats what the point of those losers coming into my life was all about. I though they were suppose to teach me to get over my fearsright? I dont know; I didnt know I had a fear though. I just thought I couldnt dont do it. Like a psychological thing. Where just cuz you tell yourself you cant do it you cant. right that makes sense?

See it s like this, I like someoneget to know them. they like me <or at least a bit interested> . I find out.i get scared.and runaway. Ha ha! It fuckin sounds like a goddamn fucked up comic strip. Why when ever I find out that there is a chance that something can happen between us I just stop. stop every emotion.

Inside I know I want something. and believe me its a lot harder them it seems, cuz I dont wanna put myself in this situation. I want to love and be loved. <Whines from frustration and distress>

Am I the only one thats like thiswhat brought this all upon me? Is it a commitment thing? Am I scared to share myself with someone? Its high school, or even if it were college, I know that Im not gonna marry these people, I know that nothing will come of it. So it that why I dont get involved? Am I shielding myself from getting hurt? Am I protecting myself from something that hasnt happened? Like ducking from a ball that will be thrown at my head in 5 min. does any of it make sense? I know that youre prolly saying it better to of loved and lost then to have never loved at all.but is it true? And so what if it is true and I just dont know cuz I havent experienced it yet.

Is it that I dont want to experience the lose cuz I dont think, myself, emotionally can handle it. Will I break down? Will I do something to hurt myself? I dont kno..

But am I willing to take the risk?

Am I willing to put everything on the line for myself and someone elses temporary happiness?

 

"How can it be easy to forget you when I think about you all the time? I never knew how much I missed you when I never had you. You were never mine. I move on, but I can't go on without you. I try, don't know why, what to do without you. Can't move on. It'd be cool if we never met, if we never locked eyes. Then I'd feel so happy." -Good Charlotte, 'Can't Go On Without You'

 

February 24, 2003 

Sheryl came away from the 45th Grammy Awards with her ninth Grammy.

This one for Best Female Rock Vocal featured in the song Steve McQueen.

Thus far, every album Sheryl has released has won a Grammy.

Feb 23 2003

Mood: leave me alone  <slams door>

I dont really wanna write anything Im not really feeling good. Its my first day of being 18.woohoo. and I dont wanna really entertain you. So yeah sorryhopefully Ill feel better in a couple days. But still look around I updated the BooM BooM RooM , Red eye pick of the month and a couple other things. Ill be doing more as the day moves forward.

And Im out mel

 

Date: 2-16-03

Time: 5:00

Song: Its a wonderful world

 

Positive Vibes for these rainy days

 

this is not something you should think to hard into

this is not something you should get your hopes up for

this is not something you should put your heart into

this is not something you should ever stay up for

and when your finished would you please turn out the light

this was the perfect get away

and now I need to stay away

there will be no pictures to share

unless you want to see one of the precise moment

my heart shattered into oblivion

take this with you

i hope you dont try to hard

i hope you give up at appropriate times

I hope one day ill stop talking to the mirror

you start to believe its somebody else

perfectionist but it wont matter

in the end its all a perfect mess

And Im out

Mel 

Date: 2/9/03

Time: 12:27pm

Im so lonely I dont even want to me with my self anymore

So hopefully you know that its my birthday coming up and it just seems like Im not to excited about it this year. You know how when people turn forty of thirty it hits them that there life is close to an end and you dont have much time left. Is it strange that I feel the same way. Actually I know it is. But, I dont know::long silence deep breath:: that its all going to end. That Im just going to end. Come on it cant not make that much since. Lets see if I can explain it better, like after Im 18 it will just be overI just dont know how. Its kinda like those feelings you get when you know something bad is going to happen right before it does. The weird thing is diary is that it seems like Im trying harder to convince my self its true, then trying to convince you. Or is it that I really want something to happen, and these are all games and tricks my mind is playing on my so that I can hurt my self. I just dont know Im in a state of confusion, delirium.

Well anyways au contrary to my last couple of entrys I have quit smoking addictively, and just have loosened up in general. And plus Ive lost 5 pounds so far. So Im physically doing great, but on the other hand Im mentally out of place. But Ill just have to continue out lil convo. Another time when I feel better, Im a bit sick-ish.

And I'm out

Mel

So as I was saying before I'm not doing so good. I feel so lost and so frightened. Like Im lost in my own skin. Im just getting really lonely, I constantly put myself in positions were Im by myself.

"I just want to be safe in my own skin, I just want to be happy again"

I know that Ive gone through phases that Ive really needed someone to be with me and dont know comfort me. Ok that sounds not right. I just dont know how describe it this time it just all seems to be different. I dont know what  I even want I just know I that I want something. Anything and this point. It just seems to far to reach, and when I didnt want it as bad as I do now it seemed like if I just put a lil effort I could have gotten in now I feel like Im just dont thing I can live with out it. And it all seems to lead back to the whole idea of needing it before I go. Just needing to grasp onto something before it just seems like its to late and its gone and Im gone. And then I have nothing, and no one will remember me.

"Fate exists but it can only take you so far because once you're there, It's up to you to make it happen." Can't Hardly Wait

and I'm out Mel

Date: 1/29/03

Time: 4:38

Song: Good Charlotte ~ anthem

Mood: indifferent

 

I just spent a lot of time with Stace so now Im all feeling boy crazy like a lil deprived school girl < ha ha!> anyways this is for christen and stace..(read on please) ..Im in love with a boy that Ive only met once oo baby he is sooo amazing

Here are some questions I got from a survey that will let you know him better (I only got the good questions some of them sucked)

*1* What is your boyfriend/crushes name? Kirk

*2* Where did you meet him? At his friends house I met them thro christen

*3* Is he hot? hell yeaaaah <giggle giggle>

*4* How long have you liked him? umm for a few months now

*5* Why do you like him? so many reasons...hes funny..awesome to hang out with..lots of energy..and other reasons..

*6* What color is his hair? brown a sexy sexy shade of brown

*9* Does he have a nice ass? oh yah hehehe

*10* Does he have a girlfriend? no

*11* Do you have any classes with him? No he is way older them myself

*12* Do you ever dream about him? yah a lot heh good times in those dreams hehe

*13* Does he have one of those smiles that make you melt? hehehehe....::looks both ways:: ::bites lip:: uhhhhh

*14* Is he more of a jock, prep, punk, goth, etc.? hes whatever he considers himself <but I like hes like more surfer-ish>

That was for you Christen I LOVE YOU!

ok anyways now what I got that out of my systemIm sooo excited Im going out with my girls from workI LOVE THEM. I just want to marry them and have ten million of there babies.and thats that! It would have been 53 days today since I smoked but its not cuz I smoked and IT FELT GOOD! DAMNIT AND Im NOT ASHAMED!!! So yeah today I had a dentist appt in the morning I was scared and yeah I went and I dont have any cavities woohoo Ive kept my record I hope I never have cavities ever! Then after my appt. I was suppose to go to school and I didnt I just came home, my mouth hurt and I just didnt want to deal with anyone anyways. I was good I slept another good 3-4 hours. Shhhhh dont tell anyone .:looks around nervously:.

Thought of the moment :my mouth is still sowr from this morning dentist appt. thats not right <is that health?>

And Im out

mel

Never Thought You Would Be Part Of My Past

Date: Jan 26^th

Time: 7:00 pm

Song: LIAM LYNCH- The United States of Whatever

And

THE ALL AMERICAN REJECTS- swing, swing

Mood: sluggish-ly lazy

 

OK first good news I got into Cal State Northridge!! YAY!! Im so happy! I cant believe I got in! yay! And my birthday is coming up in 27 days! Wow things are going go. Ummlets see I went and saw Chicago, its really good movie I enjoyed it a lot. You should go see it to! Im not working all week except Friday then on Friday Im going out with the girls from work Im excited!!! Im going to go shopping with Irene and Diana tomorrow and Im also going to Jam with Hannah tomorrow Im excited. Its going to be a easy going day. I saw  Eye See You last night with nick, Ryan, John and Jeremy last night. It was fuckin freaky. And good.

Go Raiders!! Its Oak:21 and TB: 34 so far. The raiders are catching up! Whos Your Daddy!! Thats all I have so far. Ill keep you updated.

And Im out

mel

 

Date: Jan 27^th

Time: 4:27 pm

Song: DIDO~ Dont you think of me

Mood: just fine thank you

 

Ok so you know what I got into Northridge and I dont know maybe I just hasnt set in but Im not feeling the whole.sad that Im leaving gonna miss everyone. <maybe it just hasnt set in> yeah that has to be it. Ok Im off that subject. Anyways my aunt was here this past weekend it was fun..great! yeah I really dont know what to write Im sorry Im at a lost of words. And Im getting all distracted.

And Im out

mel

Date: jan 20^th

Time: 3:19

Song : the scientist ~ ColdPlay

Mood: painfully happy

 

Wow what a week Ive had. Ive been really working myself to the max. Well on Sunday I went to one of my friends Aprils funeral/ memorial service. I didnt write about her passing cuz its still really hard for me to talk about it. So yeah I was a really great memorial. I really drained my eyes out. I saw a bunch of my old friends there too. (that was nice) after the service though Rach, Sarah and I  went to go get ice-cream and Lords that made us feel better.

On Monday I went to school as usual and went to work. There gave me really ridicules hours this week I wanted to scream. (But I didnt )anyways so there is this one guy I like there Chris and Monday was his last day. Tear tear and if I wasnt so much of a pussy I would have totally been like hey heres my number.but I didnt. THE END

Well after I got home from work, which was like 11, I did hw and then went to bed.

It was so hard for me to get up on Tuesday but I managed and did the same schedule school then work till 11. well shit by the damn fuckin day of staying up so late and shit I couldnt take it and I didnt wake up on wed

But yeah I stayed home and then went to work againpretty boring life huh?

Ok well here comes the exciting news .are you ready.. I signed up for the GYM!!!!!!! AHHH AHHH OMG!!! Ok so its not really that exciting but I made you think It was for like 4 seconds.

Do you know whats scaring that crap out of me is the fact that everywhere I go there is hella prom and ball shit all over the place. have you seen it too? Omg Im scared I thought I still had like 4 months until I have to start worrying about that.and you wanna know something even scarier/ slash funny countnie has already bought her dresswhat the fuck. Can some one say obsessed? Well anyways Im really excited cuz my sister Hannah is going out with Pierce (in my grade) and I really hope they stay together first b/c he treats her really well. And 2. b/c I really want her to come with ball with me. Yeah so thats it

OO OO one more thing I need to sayI have a blind date thing-y coming up soon and Im really nervous and excited and I just need to tell you diary. Ill keep you posted on what else is going on.

 

And Im out

Melody 

Feather boas.drag queens.and soft soft kisses

 

1/3/2003 Quite a title huh? Well anyways its been such a long time since I updated you diary with a real meaningful entry. Well I have sooo much to tell you. Where do I begin ok with bad news. If you havnt already hear that joe strummer pasted

Personal Mood: <<sobbing Uncontroably>>

Personal Note: joe strummer passes away and yet the lead singer for creed is still alive and well.....tragedy never strikes the horrible bands....

Currently Yelling : Fecking Bloody Hell

 

Well New Years was confusing the party I went to was planed last minute and I felt confusion /slash/ angrier because Katie was also there. Fuck her! Well anyways she was totally AHHHHH <yelling at the computer from aggravation> well she was totally just acting like we where acquaintances. Fuck acquaintances! Anyways she was totally making eye contact ( I know that sound ridiculous, but if you were me it wouldnt be) well anyways if its not bad enough already she thinks its ok to speak to me. Damn if I wasnt being held back I was ready to bitch slap that hoe. Fuck her and her sluttish ways.

Well I left I couldnt take it. And what was kinda my new years the rest of the time Val and me hung out it was fun!! I had fun!! And truthfully thats all that really matters!

 

Questions of the moment:

seven things you hate:

1. fakeness
2. homophobia
3. censorship
4. mobile phones
5. hot weather
6. draft beer
7. my period

seven things you dont understand:

1. why men are obsessed with lesbians
2. algebra
3. why nelly has a band-aid on his face
4. flash and advanced javascript
5. german
6. tom green
7. why missy lliott says get my hair did in one of her songs [cantstandimpropergrammar]

 

 

Albums of 2002:

<<Actually Im still thinking about it E-mail me on what you think they should be and Ill post them>>

my top ten in no particular order:

phantom planet "the guest"
coldplay "a rush of blood to the head"
sparta "wiretap scars"
...and you will know us by the trail of dead "source tags & codes"
doves "the last broadcast"
the mooney suzuki "electric sweat"
idlewild "the remote part"
my vitriol "finelines"
taking back sunday "tell all your friends"
the get up kids "on a wire"
the vines "highly evolved"

honourable mentions:

tori amos "scarlet's walk"
bright eyes "lifted or the story is in the soil, keep your ear to the ground"
weezer "maladroit"
moby "18"
norah jones "come away with me"
ben kweller "sha sha"
the promise ring "wood/water"
the distillers "sing sing death house"
david gray "a new day at midnight"
kylie minogue "fever"
chevelle "wonder what's next"
foo fighters "one by one"
red hot chili peppers "by the way"
oasis "heathen chemistry"
the used "the used"
super furry animals "rings around the world"
unwritten law "elva"

ok so Ive been mentally and physical stable this past vacation no severe break downs of any sorts, been trying to keep myself busy from my own self destruction. Ive seen some really good movies like An American in Paris, The Royal Tenabulums, Two Week Notice and several Lifetime Channel Movies you know just to spice it up a bit. But I really really do recommend The Royal Tenebalmus It was genius. I really did enjoy it. It had more of a Indie Film thing to it. So all you Indie Film Freaks out there like my self go rent it.

Melody

And Im out

Merry Christmas indeed 12-25-02

Cause I'm not every girl, and I don't need the world.. to validate me.

Yeah, people say that often and mean it. :: rolls eyes ::

Ahh, I recieve presents, and I'm happy. I realized how materialistic I've become, and go to sleep.

I recieve notes like: I miss OUR get togethers, ya know ? LOL
Merry holidays babeee, *kisses*.......> [Player 1]... and shake my fist at the world.

I clip my nails, I gloss my lips. Sad thing is, I don't yearn for beauty, I do these things is out of pure boredom. Or so I tell myself.

I turn down my Ja Rule; maybe Rob'll here. I switch to Avril Lavigne; what would my friends say? Turn to Sugarcult; what would people back home think? I turn off my music; too much thinking involved.

I hang up my Lord of the Ring posters and put out my LOTR books for all to see. Some things are too great to consider the thoughts of others.

I beg for more clothes: "mine are a half-inch too short, mom! What'll people think?!" Sure, I don't say that. But I may as well.

I fantasize about all things I want, and ignore everything I have.

I go to my fridge... Turkey? Bacon? Bread? Sprite? Is this all I have? Boy, my life must suck. Then of course I remember all the children in Ethiopia dying of malnutrition, contaminated water, and AIDS. I close the door and cringe at my antics.

I'm insecure, selfish, and take all I have for granted.

But can I blame myself? I'm sure there's a way to blame society for all my problems. "They've corrupted us kids! Them and their stupid magazine covers!" Where do these words come from!? I'm not thinking them... I'm lying to myself! Man, I must be messed up.

So look at me with your judging stares, and wag your tounge behind my back. Say all you want about me. You might not know it, but I know about my faults.

Therefore, you've failed in your attempt to bring me down.

That's a pisser, huh? Look who can't bring someone down, look who's not as perfect as they like to think. Chances are you're as insecure as I am, maybe more. And try and deny all you want, but you lie to yourself too. All of you do.

Cause if I'm the only fucked up one out there, this world really sucks. Written by my good friend: just a kid

Merry Christmas.

and i'm off.

 

 

For all of this Im better off with out you

Searching, always thinking ahead, never happy with here and now always searching and willing some thing more. Trying, always trying to change it, to become some one. Always changing, changing beliefs and attitudes though I no it is wrong but what if it helps me become, become what i want, what i need. Helping always helping, or trying to -like it will heal me, help me. Never satisfied, always go to far, desperate, desperate now as i rock all alone. Needing, needing, dying to be felt to be known. Always looking back, what if that cud have changed me today, be understood, no one understands, so i dont say any more. What if i had been better, nicer, what if i was beautiful would my life be this lonely. What if i was not here, what if i went, what if i stay, what happens now, where do i go, tomorrow, next week, next year. Just falling, deeper, know one cares if they did they would understand, look deeper than what u see then maybe u would see that what i am is not me.      

A survey I stole from Comfortably me 12/22/02

10 Bands You've Seen Live

Sheryl Crow, The Strokes, Sum 41, Unwritten Law, Train, Blink 182, New Found Glory, Match Box Twenty, AFI, Ziggy Marley (etc.)

09 Things You're Looking Forward To

the next time Sheryl crow goes on tour, even tho Im kinda not but also anxious to also is to got to my high school reunion, someday going back to France, Easter break, the end of Senior year, Falling in love, Moving Out Making new friends, old age w/ no responsibilities ;)

08 Things You Wear Daily

Eight? Who wears eight things daily? I guess if I were being very proper, you could say "bra, panties, shirt, pants, sock (left), sock (right), shoe (left), shoe (right)" ...but it's not always the same ones...

07 Things That Annoy You

Mean people, PMS, morning breath, bad haircuts, chapped lips, no service for my cell phone, my parents

06 Things You Want to do Before You Die

Fall in love, Jump from an airplane (with a parachute of course), Step on every continent (excluding Antarctica), oo let's combine the first three to make two more: join the mile high club, and make love on every continent (save Antarctica). One more? I want to make someone truly truly happy.

05 Things You Do Every Day

Wake up, breathe, open my eyes, Shower (yep... every day - save maybe 10 days of the year when I'm super lazy), generally eat

04 People You'd Want to Spend More Time With

My brother, Hannah, Valia, and an intelligent, hot guy that makes me swoon ;)

03 Movies You Could Watch Over and Over

Empire Records, Casino, Any Tom Cruise Movie

02 Of Your Favorite Songs At This Moment

Dazed and Confused ~ Led Zepplin, Back in Black ~ ACDC

01 Person You Could Spend the Rest of Your Life With

Haven't found them yet

 

My Fascination With Death Keeps Me Alive. 12/21/02

Guess what I just fuckin found out that I have borderline personality disorder. Thats so fucked up! Im fuckin mad listen to this:

Borderline

Borderline personality disorder is characterized by mood instability and poor self-image. People with this disorder are prone to constant mood swings and bouts of anger. Often, they will take their anger out on themselves, causing themselves injury. Suicidal threats and actions are not uncommon. They think in very black and white terms and often form intense, conflict-ridden relationships. They are quick to anger when their expectations are not met.

IS that fucked or what. What a fuckin way to start the new years. SHIT Im in such a BAD mood. I fuckin just wanna kill everyone. I dont understand why our fuckin plan is to grow up like our parents it doesnt make any sence. I fuckin think that we know a lot fuckin more then they do.

 

I got nothing that I hide except whats inside

This entry is only here so that I can make myself feel better and to better deal with the fact that Im still sitting here alone. You know a<lose for a good word> ok got it. Its like a release, of anger.. yeah ok that works. Ok hopefully I feel better after I writing all these (in no particular order)

Why Guys Make Good Friends 12/14/02

1.     There won't be a breakup, so you'll never have to return those cool broken -in sweatshirts you've borrowed.

2.     They give you guy advice and insider boy perspectives on dating and love that you'd never know otherwise.

3.     It's fun to give them advice and insider perspectives on the girl mind, which, admit it, can be on the confusing side too.

4.     When your not around, their moms say stuff like, "[Your name]'s a sweet girl, why don't you two ever date"

5.     They're semi-willing participants in being set up with your girl friends

6.     When they tell us some of their problems, it makes us realize guys deal with lots of the same stuff we do.

7.     They can tease you and do flirty stuff without you having to wonder if they really like you (well at least most of the time...)

8.     You can ask them embarrassing questions like how do guys wear jock straps without feeling stupid

9.     You can join in on raunchy bathroom humor aroung them.

10. They can help you pick out gifts for other guys in your life.

11.  If neither of you have a date to the prom, you can always go together.

12.They can "feel out" another guy and see what he says about you.

13. They can teach you how to drive a stick shift.

Want A

 

Perfect Body, I Want A Perfect Soul

 

12/9/02 So Ive been working at banana Rep for like 3 weeks now, damn. Ive fuckin turned all preppy and shit, Im all fuckin dressing nice and stuff. This is weird for me. Im kinda sacredok Im over it. Anyways yeah Ive been having a good ol time with my mom out of town and all to bad shes coming home soon. Ive fuckin been having parties like no other. Some suck but most of them have been pretty tight. Oh yeah let me give you the scoop of my love life (the imaginary one of course journal) anyways I like this guy at work yeah < blushing> hes really cool, but its gonna be a friend thing (like always) because he likes my friend. And she doesnt like him at all and Im jealous. ( I know that that is the worst cuz Im not even the type to get jealous at all) anyways Im getting sad too cuz I like him and fuck, he has to go after the beautiful girl. You know what I surround my self with beautiful people all my friends are gorgeousthen theres me.

 

Youre a heartbreaker, dream maker, love taker dont you mess around me pat benastar

Ok sorry that just felt right. DAMN I forgot how therapeutic this journal was I havent written in weeks and now Im venting and I feel good.

 

Stress is killing me....

If I don't be careful, the modernization of the world will pull me in to early death...

The stress wears me down and wears down your soul like a rock that has sat in a river for many years; water, constantly rushing over it, wearing down the edges....

Like a seashell thats been beat down by the incessant sandy waves...

It pressed down on you until you can't stand it any more...

 

Melody

 

RadioHead says

When you were here before, couldn't look you in the eye You're just like an angel, your skin makes me cry You float like a feather, in a beautiful world I wish I was special, you're so fucking special But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here I don't care if it hurts, I want to have control I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul I want you to notice, when I'm not around You're so fucking special, I wish I was special Radiohead~ creep

 

I Feel So Alive 11/19/02

So much has been going on these past few weeks. Im so glad everything is settled. Not really back to normal cuz was it really ever normal. Anyways so listen Im just going to list the things that are slowly making me go back to my old stable mental health. So I got an electric guitar, I changed my schedule at school to a less stressful environment (for lack of a better word), I also got a job at Banana Republic, even tho Im not the B.Rep. Type am I. I guess I could be if I really wanna huh?

Do you know what I love the Most Christmas Time! I love the smell I love the music I love playing holiday songs in band. And I know that everything about the season is sooo commercialized BUT THATS what I LOVE! And do you know why Im bring it up now cuz I just saw that Target just put out there first holiday commercial and I Love it!<takes deep breaths and calms down>  ok I really dont have a lot of  time just enough to say hello and update this bad boy ~~ Mel

 

I had no choice but to hear you You stated your case time and again I thought about it You treat me like I'm a princess I'm not used to liking that You ask how my day was You've already won me over in spite of me Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are I couldn't help it It's all your fault alanis morsette ~head over feet

 

Shooting Star in Someone Elses Eyes

 

Have you ever noticed that the worst way to miss someone is when they are right beside you and yet you can never have them..... When the moment you can't feel them under your fingertips you miss them? Have you ever wondered which hurts the most, saying something and wishing you had not, or saying nothing and wishing you had? I guess the most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of because words diminish them; words shrink things that seemed timeless when they were in your head.....to no more than living size when they are brought out.... Don't be afraid to tell someone you love them. If you do they might break your heart...but if you don't, you might break theirs. Have you ever decided not to become a couple because you were so afraid of losing what you already had with that person? Your heart decides who it likes and who it doesn't. You can't tell your heart what to do. It does it on its own, when you least suspect it, or even when you don't want it to. Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had, but that other person was too afraid to let you? Too many of us stay closed up because we are too afraid to care too much....for fear that the other person does not care as much, or at all. Have you ever loved someone and they had absolutely no idea whatsoever? Or fell for your best-friend in the entire world, and then sat around and watched them fall for someone else? Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle? We tell lies when we are afraid....afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie....the thing we fear grows stronger. Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump. Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have, or could have had. No one waits forever.....  

Melody

 

I am strong, I am able I spill milk on your table Then I cry like a baby Just to see if you save me I am sweet I am ugly I am mean if you love me I try hard just to please you When I say I don't need you I dress up with a conscience When I think you'll be watching I say all the right things I don't know what I mean Am I Am I Getting Through Am I Am I Getting Through I am ignorant and rude I am fashionably crude And sometimes when it's quiet I'm an angel in white When I pose in the mirror I want everyone near me I am scared that I'm weird I'm afraid I am queer I am lovely and weak I am foul when I speak I am strange when I'm kind I am frying my mind Am I Am I Getting Through Am I Am I Getting Through (I don't care, I don't care) Sheryl Crow ~ I am I getting Through

 

A Portrait of My Life in Words

 

I live the life of a schizophrenic,

Raised on media juices,

And forging personalities.

I dream of drugs, dreadlocks, guitars.

Im an unobservant artist,

Whose body parts dont fit in the average mold.

With my shiny hair and stained socks,

I drink from Styrofoam cups and throw them away,

Without guilt.

I expect betrayal,

A by-product of watching too many hours of infomercials.

Honesty is lost

Amongst the over-flowing amount of tele-fortunetellers.

I own intimidating combat boots,

But the laces are broke.

I have been convinced by subliminal messages

That glow-sticks are wicked,

Status is needed,

Responsibility is enormous,

And midwives are bad.

So here I sit, and pray to the tiki,

That someday my fish tank will once again hold fish.

Trying to comment on life,

Through colors and words,

As I lay in the midst of the good-will décor of my bedroom

 

substitute for happiness

 

10/08/02 This is my singles daily horoscope: (just keep in mind that it made me laugh like a lil school girl with joy) You may not go to the library with romantic intentions, but someone there reads you like a book. Let this person borrow you for a while. There are so many stories you could tell each other. Maybe you'll make one up together. (**big smile**)

 

10/7-8/02 i returned to my room this evening. collapsing. closing my eyes. staring at the ceiling. listening to mellow-flowery-sad music. and i counted the dots on the ceiling. thinking. how soothing it could be to think about you. how warm it made me feel to have you to love. or just the idea of being in love. just the idea of having someone to think about. because as the lyrics told me. and i heard it in the back of my head. really you're nothing special. just like me. nothing. just the thought of you. a place to focus myself. just to be anchored somewhere. just to feel connected to something. just so i wouldn't feel alone. it's just an idea.

 

10/6/02 ok well i've been dying to play guitar all weekend. among a million other things i want to do but haven't done. so i need to stop and get that done. because i need to go to sleep to get well in like 5 mins. yikes. no twenty minutes ago.

i'm sorry i didn't have enough time [i'm a slacker] to keep up with this diary but on a good note I have been really good with my e-mails! J

I didn't have enough time to say i love you.

so I totally forgot to tell you about the Sheryl crow concert I went to last weekend ( the weekend before last) it was wonderful. there were two other bands that played too. Michelle Branch and shit I forgot his name (it will come to me) they were all great. it was a great live show because everyone knew all of the lyrics to the Sheryl crow songs. and sheryl was more than happy to let everyone sing for her or sing along. so that made it really cool. so that was fun. plus we had the best seats ever, like 3rd row. I love her!

 

Im wrong. Ive been deceiving myself. This is not happiness. Just avoidance of the truth. Keeping the mind from thinking. And not seeing the sadness. No. Here is what I know: I am happy [no satisfied] with who I am. I like who I am. What I do. What I become. A stark change from before. But that love for myself. Not enough to fill this void of loneliness. My sadness stems from being so alone at times. I would like to be with someone. But nothing seems to be working. These pills and busy hours are my substitute for happiness.

 

It seems weird in a way I find satisfaction in satisfying others. I know thats wrong, but whats so great about me just me alone. If I make others happy then at least I have a purpose. Right? Maybe its a good thing that Im ugly and fat cuz then Id prolly be hooking up with everyone (like all my friends.) I kinda feel sorry for them, my friends I mean. Because there the ones that are probably more lonely then myself. Trying so hard to find acceptance in lap of a naked stranger. But then again its prolly the same escape I have with my pills and this silly journal.

I just dont understand why for awhile now my life seems to be focused on one thing. Someone i dont even know or understand. I usually understand my feelings for the most part. i just dont understand why something like this would keep nagging at me. Its like this big unanswered question in the back of my head. And all i want is to find out the answer. Yes or no. Will it work? And why i dont care about the rest of what goes on. Just an answer. Build from there. Id drop it just to find the answer to this question. This is not like me. Worked up on unknown. I dont even know what i want from it. I just want to know. And the urge to know has been digging at me for a while. And yet I feel so used by it. So low. So worthless. No. Correction. I think I deserve better than what i let myself believe. The problem is with not getting the reaction I expect. The attention. Affection. I was used to. And want.

Today was better than last night. But sitting in my solitude i think. Analyze how i feel. i see: keeping myself busy is happiness. i dont think or realize i feel lonely. If I stop. if i think. i get caught up in my sadness. i get caught up in you.

This isnt like me. You must be using me to feel like this. i need to get over myself. i need someone who can make me happy. i thought you were different. i was hopping you would prove my pessimism wrong. i though you were better than this. i keep giving you a chance to show me who you really are. i keep getting let down. Hopes up. Asking for damage.

Why do i keep going on like this?

 

Wishful Thinking with the Worst Intensions

 

9/28/02 All I want to do is marry young and get things over with (thinking if I marry young the poor boy wont know whats better for him and just want to rush into things) christen slouched besides me in the drivers seat with her big baggy sweatshirt on; kindly chuckled and cockly said not you dont and then quietly thinking to my self yea shes right giving my self a half smile. Then giggling and turning the wheel she said the only why you can marry young is if you visit a foreign countrywith a silent pause (of about 2 seconds) I slowing remarked but I have and her laugh grow stronger. Then as I stared ahead she quietly but loud enough for my to hear said well what about a foreign language.oohh wait she does speak French.ummmm.. Aha you must be truly content with yourself! then a sudden boastful remark flow out of my mouth thats impossible (because it is) she asked me why?. i gave the used up remark of because (childish I know) anyway she asked me if Im not happy with my self then how can I make someone else happy. I said its not my job to be happy. other people make me happy. Why she blankly remarked.because I need other peoples approval in order to be happy with myself. (Damn I know its wrong but thats the way it is and has always been.)

You know whats really sick of me .is that I know that I have al these issues and problems and shit. but yet I never seem to do anything about them. Or maybe I am I dont realize it. Or maybe Im kidding myself and I really arent fixing themjust making them worse (which I always tend to do) I always make situations that arent wrong; wrong (did that make sense.)

Well anyways last week I got so sick and tired of myself I just whipped out a notebook (an extra from back to school shopping if you cared) and a pencil and just started writing down all the bad things about me (in no particular order) just randomly listing things.i think I got near 100 or something like 88 or so. I kno I can think up more. and I dont really know if that s the best thing to do. And Im not sure if Im really accomplishing anything by doing this or am I just trying to use up time. Hhhuuummmm. Something to think about. And maybe if I get gutsy enough I might list some for you.

 

Melody

 

Pretty girl in suffering while he confesses everything pretty soon she'll figure out what his intentions were about

that's what you get for falling again you can never get 'em out of your head

that's what you get for falling again you can never get 'em out of your head

Its the way That he makes you feel

Its the way that he kisses you

Its the way that he makes you fall inlove

she's beautiful as usual with bruises on her ego and her killer instinct tells her to be aware of evil men

and that's what you get for falling again you can never get 'em out of your head

SugarCult ~ Pretty Girl

 

Communication is a lot like the wind when I speak

9/24/02 I left school early today, I wasnt feelin to well. I think Im startin to get the flu that everyone has been havin. It kinda sucks ass. And the only reason that I went to school at all (and I know that your going to think this is pathetic) but just to go to French. { and if youve been reading my past entires you would know why wink wink} itsnt that sad. Yes it is! (Im going to answer my own question befor you get a chance to) And you kno whats really weird is that I proclaim that I luv this kid, when in reality I dont even kno that much about him. Its kinda like those situations you read about in cosmo where the chick is on vacation and she meets this mysterious latin lover man thing. And they fuck day and night, fuckin night and day. Until she leaves, well thats kinda what this is like. Except that it is totally and completely not! But anyways I left school and I went to whole foods to get some soup for my self and I was in line that when it was my turn the guy at the resigister was soooo nice. Like nicer then anyone had ever been to me in my entire life. I mean when strippers get like degraded and barked at by men and then this one guy comes along and respecters her, she feels wonderful. Thats exactly how I felt. He was so nice talked to me like I was real. And he even sung to me oohh baby you, you got what I need and then I sang but you say Im just a friend. Ha ha it was so much fun just bustin out in the store. I wish everyone was as nice as he was. I wish I could tell him how much that meant to me!

I dont usally write out my soul so this is  kinda weird for me actually Ive never done this, but for some reason right now seems like the right time to start

So jusliste

missing pieces. fallen parts. separated and separated. somewhere along the way (part of me was lost). its like im missing that vital part. ive lost my inspiration. my train of thought. im just in a void. at least im content. but im lifeless. theres no blood to spill.

i loved you that night. you were cute. innocent. aloof. and you looked ridiculous out there dancing [thats ok]. a cute face with. your lips: soft and pliable. your hands wandering. all the time spent looking. i dont want to be the center of attention. but i was right under your nose... To be cont...

 

I dont kno whats wrong with me.i feel so blah. Its like Im here and not all at the same time. Its tripy Im fuckin freakin my self-out. And I got this new keyboard too and its hella messin me up when I type cuz its like. Different. Well anyways back to me feelin blah. You kno when your hella messed up on whatever you lil motherfuckers are takeing these days. Well youre messed up and everything seems to move in slow motion. But you never seem to get anywhere. I was telling Lizzie about this dream I had.(kind of a long time ago)**continuing ** well it was kinda like fantasia in a sence. Everything around me is in cartoon format but Im like real I guess you could say. And Im running down this tup colored path. And its like all darkness around me and the path seems to keep going.not ever eventually leading anywhere. When out of fuckin nowhere(you kno that painting with the melting clocks. Shiiit I dont remember what the name of it even tho I should) well all of a sudden its like the painting. Im running and then appear all these melting clock thingysfreaky. The End.        Melody 9/23/02

Communication is a lot like the wind, when I speak It's like no one understand and I'm left with empty hands forever I can't speak So many things I'll never learn You can't cross bridges that you've burned Why is life such an issue when you're mine, why are the answers to my problems hard to find So hard to find Don't forget to buckle when you fall beneath the pressure of the seconds when your life became a screamer Staring at the sea things become so small I want movies of my dreams and pictures on my wall Good Charlotte~ Screamer 

 

i faintly remember breathing on your bedroom floor

 

9/21/02 damn I cant stop thinking about French boy. Its one of those really bad crushes. You know the ones Im talking about the ones were you start to babble around them and you get butterflies in your tummy when you see them. Hee hee its a good feelin. Crushes are only a distraction from reality and thats what I really need right now.

9/20/02 I wish I things where easier for me like they are for other people. I mean I dont wanna come off as like everyone feel sorry for lil old melody. Shiiit hell no is that what I want its just.well actually I really dont kno what I want. Im lost. This world I create for myself is just so confusing. Well on a different subject I had my try-outs for band. I think I did good. I find out where I sit like Monday or something.

Well all year (which has only been like 4 weeks) I have been bitchin about my fuckin ass French class and the fuckin ass teacher. Damn I hate that bitch. Well anyways I totally took advantage of her knowing that I hate her and ( I have connections) so I  moved my seat next to this guy that Im totally crushing on. I WANT him SOOO bad!! Anyways now Im having the best time in that class. He is sooo nice. And I want him sooo bad. And we talk a lot and where always partners and shit. And I want HIM MORE than life its self!!!!!! ** calming down and slowly walking away**

**afew min. later back for more** this is totally what Im thinking right nowYou got your hair permed, you got your red dress on,Screamin' that second gear was such a turn-on.  And the fog forming on my window Tells me that the mornings here  And you'll be gone before too long...Who taught you those new tricks? Damn, I shouldn't start that talk... But life is one big question when your starin' at the clock.  And the answers always waiting at the liqour store 40oz to freedom So I take that walk Sublime ~ 40oz. To freedom Actually these are even better lyrics for this very moment

so she told me to come over and i took that trip

and then then she pulled out my mushroom tip

and when it came out, it went drip drip drip

i didnt know she had the g.i. joe, kung foo grip

and it went - uhh

and the girl caress me down- uhh

and thats that lovin sound- it went uhh

and the girl caress me down- uhh

and thats that lovin sound

 when i kiss mixie she makes me feel horny,

cause im the type of lover with the sensitivity,

when she kiss my neck and tickle me frenzy,

the right kind of lover on Sunday morning.

 Im goin thro my CDs right now you kno to pass the time and shit.

 Melody

Acting Stupid, Hanging out & Getting Drunk with my best friends

 

9/15/02 Why does it feel like a part of me is missing? How long will we keep in touch with each other? Will this last? And if so for how long?

I miss you so much already .. but its for the better.rightwe needed this we where getting to close. God this is sad.but its gone, were gone. But not forever.

 

I don't think of you no more Except for everyday or two I don't think of you no more Except for in between the sun and moon Packed up and moved out after all Bulldozed the house and watched it fall That blessed sight I still recall I can sing my song again I can sing my song again It don't hurt like it did It hurts worse Who do I kid?

It Dont hurt ~ Sheryl Crow

To all my LTD 2 Girls: you are my life, my love, you are everything to me ~ my sisters!

 

9/13/02 Friday the 13th. The best Friday Ive ever had. It was love at first sight. Im in love. I have never ever ever been attracted to someone in my entire life. I worked until like 11:30 and then just chilled..chilled and fell in love.

9/14/02 wow I love my friends.i love to drink.i my friendsand god damn Im sooo feelin my drinks woohooo..MARGARITAS!!!

9/11/02 I dont kno whats going on but I have a group of friends at skool and there being such ass holes always giving me attitude. Im sick and tried of it. I mean they fuckin treat me like nothingI dont need that. Fuck Im not going to talk to them anymore and maybe theyll get the hint. Thats so fucked.

But my other group of friends are so much fun, I mean for hanging out in school and stuff. Like Im getting really close to Irene and Brooke they are so sweet and fun to hang out with. : ) I dont kno what up with Megan as much as I dont want it to happen our friendship is just drifting apart. to be continued....

 

Our Depression is our lives 9/7/02

Everything just seems to be happening and Im just shifting around with the crowd, not really feeling any emotion just letting time do its thing. The days have been going by really slow.just dragging out. Everything that ever was and ever will be is over with Brian I finally got my closer. It feels great.

I went out with the girls to dennys again last night I was fun. Ill be hopefully be putting  a pic. Up soon.

Ive been so busy lately I havent even had one min. to my self I was so exhausted after this week that this morning I didnt wake up till 1 thats the most sleep Ive gotten in a long time. Bad news: well bad news for me at leastLimited Too is going out to of business so Im out of the jobwell there going to transfer me to Concord but Im looking for a new job.                    9/2/02 well, what can i say. i guess i am not exactly looking forward to going back to school, like most other people right now. but at the same time, i am a little curious as to what the new year will bring. i am both worried and excited at the same time. this past summer i have changed a lot. and i do not know if i will get along with all of the same people or if our personalities will now clash. i have had a lot of time to think about things during the past few months and my outlooks have changed quite a bit since june 14th. i have changed in so many ways. i listen to different music, dress differently, talk and feel differently then my other friends. i am happy with the way i am now because i feel like i am being myself. and i just dont want to turn back into the person i was before just because i am back at school and around the school people. i have experienced things this summer that i will hold with me now and i will always look back on when faced with different situations now. so to sum up this entry, i just dont know how the 'new' me will deal with school and the people, not to mention how the people will deal with the 'new' me.

I really Hope that this year I can make some more friends that are more my speed.

Completely off subject:

One of the lamest things ever are those people who wear glasses without a prescription. You know these kids exist, they sell the damn glasses at Hot Topic. They always have really thick frames, cuz being geeky is somehow in style now amongst stupid idiots. Anyhow, there is something eerie about people with 20/20 vision sporting what is essentially a medical device used to correct a physical disability. And you kno what is even more pathetic is that I luv my lil geeky glasses. whats up with that?

Melody   9/2/02

We are the middle children of history, with no purpose or place. Our generation has had no Great Depression, no Great War. Our war is spiritual. Our depression is our lives. Tyler Durden, "Fight Club"

 

 Some would say tomorrow is just one step closer to death

8/25/02 So I found out whats happening with FUCKIN SON OF A BITCH Brian, totally FUCKIN PLAYED ME INTO ACTUALLY THINKING THAT HE COULD LIKE ME. He totally toyed with me.hes all yea I like you and he fuckin told other ppl that he liked me that FUCKIN ASS. then goes and FUCKIN ditches me for my best friend. <actually no longer my friend>

Shit this is the kinda fuckin shit thats on Jerry Springer I dont wanna have to deal with this in real life. Fuck him, fuck her.Dont Ever Fuckin Talk To Me Again.

8/23/02 I dont know what s going on with Brian.hes pulling me by a fuckin string. I mean I wish I could just be like thats fine if hes going to be an ass about the whole situation then I can move on. But its not like..I have guys that I like just lined up around the fuckin block waiting to be with me. There has never even been one guy so when I know that Brian likes me Im going after him so that I can make this workso Im not a loser and failure to myself anymore. Its not even other ppl anymore its me. I dont have enough to keep myself going. Maybe he can help.i want him to be able to help. But you know what it seems like I need more a physiatrist then a boyfriendsIm really fucked up. I need some to help me not be. < Please everyone wish that something good comes out of this and Im not stuck the lonely lil virgin girl anymore.>

Ive been dragging myself out of bed every morning looking in the mirror and seeing big bags under my eyes and a shit load of smudged mascara. Its been so great I have one week till school starts and Ive been literally partying or going out and chilling every night this is the fuckin life. Shit man everyone should be going out.

I went to Dennys with a bunch of girls from workcuz thats the only place we knew that was open after 10 (which when we close the store) and we just chilled there for hella hours it was fun. I got a grilled cheese sandwiched and I felt soooo guilty that I woke up early this morning and when for a 45 min jog. But dont think I burned it all off.

Omg my mom is such a bitch today I got in the car to drive to tri-s and she looked me up and down and was like god damn melody your getting so fat.i was like thanks mom for pointing out the fuckin obvious you stupid bitch. I wish things with me and her would get easier but there not. I hate her she treats me like shit all the time. I just wanna leaveit just seems so much easier to just run away from my problems. I want to one day just give her a taste of her own medicine just give her one day of all the shit she put me thought my whole lifeshe would crack she would break down and just kill her self. She wouldnt be able to stand the abuse for one day.

You know what saying sucks ass if this is the worse then it can only get better from here that could not be more wrongI myself have proved it wrong with the shit thats going on with my mom. Fuck her Im not going to let her get me all upset.   Melody

"Some would say tomorrow is just one step closer to death. I'd say tomorrow is just one step closer to life and understanding and to know it's gonna be alright. So in conclusion have I made my decisions clear? With every passing moment of my life this year. Well not exactly so that's what I am doing here No one's on display and no one's gonna be passed around today. I won't let it happen, if I can help it. Take your inconsistence away. Would it be right to say that no one ever truly listens? Or takes the time to understand what something means without opinion, bias, without a one-track mind. What can be done to change a habit born in our minds? First step to Kiros is to take the shells out of our eyes and then to wonder, enjoy life, maybe even relax, even relax."- MxPx, 'One Step Closer to Life'8/17/02   

 

Its So Hard To Let You Go....

My Best Friend Sonja is Leaving. Shes moving away.god this is so hard. I just started writing this entire and Im already choking up. I cant believe shes gone shes gone. I miss her so much. I cant stop thinking about her and all the good times we had together.

 Why? Why am I making this so hard for my self? I went to her farewell party last night. Everyone looked like they where having such a good time.i just couldnt bring myself to it. I was afraid to even say a couple of words to her or any one else because I knew I was going to start to cry.

And you know what I dont care if you know that I cry.i was always told never to cry in front of ppl, dont show them your weak. Dont cry save your tears for something worth it. Well damit Ive been saving and saving all my fuckin tears and this is it. This was all I needed to let every emotion to pour out of me. Im sorry I cant write anymore. I dont feel so good. 8/17/02 Melody

This song is dedicated to Sonja ~ your friendship means more then life to me.

"Summer air reminds me of All the feelings of your love And what it was like When we were together Walking all along the beach You were never far from my reach And you held me Through the stormy weather And I wanna fall in love Tonight And I remember when you said Everything's gonna be alright Laying in the summer grass You told me not to talk so fast As I told you How I feel You made me feel right at home You told me I was not alone And you knew Just how I feel I know we talked about it I just can't get around I just want one more night with you I wanna fall in love Tonight And I remember when you said Everything's gonna be alright October air reminds me of All the seasons of your love And what it was like When we were together The smell of fall is everywhere

And though it seems I just don't care 'Cause now you've gone away I wanna fall in love Tonight And I remember when you said Everything's gonna be alright Alright I wanna fall in love I wanna fall in love Tonight" Good Charlotte ~ Seasons

8/9/02 Heres My Heart, I'll Let You Break It

 

I've been thinking a lot about myself this summer. How I've changed and Im just not the same person as I use to be. I think I'm finally beginning to see what everyone has been pointing out. I am different. Ive turned in to this person... that is nothing like me, thats basically the completely opposite of me. I just dont know how to get back to me, but then again I dont kno if I wanna go back to the old sheltered, shy, timid me. I guess they were right when they said some change is good.

I cant handle anything any more. Everything is just weird to me now. I think Ive finally found the someone who truly makes me happy and it scares me. I think Ive found the person that I can seem to wanna trust. I want to be able to give someone the ability to crush me, but doing it only because I know they wont. It all feels so far out of reach.

Tear me off a piece of blanket keep me warm and we can make it heres my heart, Ill let you break it touched your skin and I cant take it Yellowcard ~ October Nights

 But I know what my problem isI always seem to fall way to hard way to fast when it comes to guys. And it only leads to me getting hurt but, its not always there fault. I dont wanna get hurt anymore and I dont want him to hurt me. He isnt just some guy he really has specialness to him. Why? Why I am I like thisis this the new me? No Im going back to my old ways, Im stopping my self from something that could be wonderful because I dont wanna get hurt. And its not like anyone else is stopping me from going after him its just me. I constantly fight myself

I feel completely lost. Like Im spiraling away from everything and I just cant get back. Everything is starting to fall away and now I can see whats really happening. Whats really left.... nothing. Im tired of nothingness. I just dont know how Im suppose to get back to somethingness.

Sometimes I think too much. Today is one of those days.

Melody

Stars are out tonight and youre the brightest one shining in my sky. Its like every wish I ever made came true the day I woke up next to you. Will you be my best friend if I offer you my heart? Cause its already yours. We could hang out every night and watch the sun go down as long as we could watch it rise again. Its these little things that stand the test of time. Ive saved the tickets from the show that weve been to. And a thousand memories of you. I gave you this I.O.U. today. It said good for one galaxy. Once I build my rocket to the stars, well fly away just you and me. -The Ataris, I.O.U. One Galaxy'

I can totally relate to this song rite now.

Hi my name is Melody, and I went to Sheryl's Aug. 1st concord show. Wow, it was amazing.... the funny thing is that I always have something to say and right now Im at a lose of word on how to describe the show. It was Beautiful, energetic, "original", and fabulous in everyway possible.

Honestly the thing that i enjoyed the most out of the concert besides Sheryls performance would have to be the pick of such diverse music performed. Every band seemed to hold their own on stage, excellent choices for opening acts.

And I know that Im only 17 and I have many more years in my life to live but by far The Jeep World Outside Festival has been the best concert musically, spiritually and emotionally.

Thank you Sheryl Crow and everyone that made this concert possible.

Love,

Melody, 17 Cali

 

YOU THINK YOU KNOW BUT, YOU HAVE NO IDEA.... THIS IS THE DIARY OF MELODY

 

ok new font for a new week.... but i'm going to keep all the old shit from last week up there cuz......i'm too lazy to move it. oh yeah so my dad on sunday draged me to this antique show at the alameda county fair....yeah ......so it was weird.....i was totally ditched the min we walked in there so i just looked around at all the cheezy yet cool vintage clothing.....i ended buying some scarfs... there all old and torn and stuff .....but i'm sure they have a really tight story behind then.

monday i just sat home all day....it was boring. i kepted myself busy by hand washing my cloths.... i don't want my dad touching my laundry.....am i weird cuz i don't want him looking at my panties......lol......yeah ok it dose sound funny......but seriously i don't want him to. so i did my laurdy in my sink. i was laughing at my self cuz i felt like those women in venice that wash there clothing in the river.....ok yeah i admit i'm a loser.

oh yeah good news i'm going to stay with kasey for a couple of days. from wed- sat. i'm excited i need to get out of this house. i'm sufficating!! so when i come we (as in who ever is reading this) should get together!!

I really dont kno what to do. My bro is staying with me and Sara (parental unit) for I dont kno how long..arrghh and I kno this isnt right to say but I HATE HIM!! He is the meanest person alive. I wish he would die. I wish I could kill him. He treats me like shit, and I kno that his only 15 but he hella beats on me. I can't even be in the house alone with him.i get scared. So I just get in my car in the morning find and vacant parking lot and usual sit there all day. Pathetic huh? I don't kno what to do. Its even worse when its him and Sara together. Its like SATAN and her lil helper. He like brain washes her into thinking that I'm this evil bitch and he makes up all these lies to get me in trouble. Now because of him I can't get my guitar ::eye watering:: I hate this life.

 

Me and Megan went to guitar center on Monday It was so much fun I picked out this really great acoustic/ electric guitar. Its hella tight and its like violet and it has glitter in it. Sara won't let me even get the guitar now even tho i've been saving up for it for like 5 months. I don't really care what Sara says I think I'm going to buy the guitar anyways and some how sneek it in the house. (how I don't kno but I'll figure something out)

I went to the doctor again on wed. I talked my way out of getting my blood drawn. It was scary. So my doctor put my on some medication. Hopefully it works so I can look really nice for the Sheryl crow concert. I'm so excited for it. Its the only thing I got going for me right now. 

 

"Hey [mom] look at me. think back and talk to me. Did I grow up according to plan? Do you think i'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do? 'Cuz it hurts when you disapprove all along. And now I try hard to make it. I just want to make you proud. I'm never gonna be good enough for you. I can't pretend that I'm alright. And you can't change me. 'Cuz we lost it all and nothing last forever. I'm sorry I can't be perfect." -Simple Plan, 'Perfect'

 

Thursday: Ok I gotta go watch fireworks.....fun.. ::sarcasm::.until next time.

 Im back from fireworks it sucked ass we didn't even leave the car cuz Sara (the parental unit) was to busy yelling at me about all this shit that I dont wanna bore you with. Anyways I started as she says giving her attitude and she slapped me sooooo hard across the face. Shiiiit.I didnt admit it to her but damn it hurt. My face is still red. Fuckin bitch I hate her!!!

Friday: I got my guitar it's the sweetest thing i've ever seen. it's like my own lil baby. i love it!!

Things with Sara have been getting worse. She treats me like shit. She always tells me that I am nobody that my opinion and my existence dont matter to anyone. If someone says this long enough to you ..I kno I shouldnt believe her..it just..i feel like Ive been a mistake in everyones lives. Well I have to go lifeguard now. Peace out.

Saterday: I bet you that you cant guess where I am. I cant even believe it. I moved out of  the house last night. I now live with my abusive dad. Wish me luck. The house is very cold and unwelcoming, even tho this is the house I grew up in. I dont have my room anymore. its like a bad sitcom where you leave the house and youre parents turn your room into a office (which he did.) Well my room now is more like a jail cell then a room. I have one bed, and one table. But thats ok I brought all my picture frames and stuff to make the room look more home-y. I dont kno how long Im going to stay here. Its weird tho.the house is really unpleasant. It keeps sturring up old memorys of past events plus I havent seen my dad in like a year. oh yeah on an even happier note ::sarcasm:: sara got rid of my guitar. (stupid **** ****** **** *** *** ***** bitch) I'll be keeping you guys up  to date but I looks like I'll be staying here awhile.

saterday after noon:i went to the guitar center here and i went and bought my gutiar. it's really nice!! hopefully i'll start feeling better. i don't really feel home sick i'm just sad that i won't be seeing you guys as often as i would like.

Melody

 

"Everything is turning grey, but I won't hold my breath today

Cause' I'm not scared and to tell the truth I just don't care.

Are you looking for an answer? When you still don't know the question.

 

It's like lighting candles in the rain-

Sometimes life can be a pain,

But don't give up without a fight.

 

Sometimes when you feel afraid, don't give up and run away.

Cause' two wrongs don't make a right.

What's the point in crying when you've don nothing wrong.

It was right there all along. "The ataris ~"Life Makes No Sense"

 

 He says there's no me without him... Please help me forget about him

 

The sleep thing didn't work.

So here this is.

And i'm even going to try to refrain from being my pottymouth self. Amazing.

What do you find to be the most attractive feature a person can have?

What a silly question. It's never just one thing.

Having said that.

::drumroll::

Intelligence!

Let me explain my definition of intelligence.

It isn't how many books you've read.

It isn't how many classes you've taken.

It isn't how many inane facts you've memorized to death.

It is your ability to think, to pick up on new concepts, and to generally figure things out on your own without someone holding your hand through the whole process.

[tangent]

Interestingly, this bleeds into personality as well.

The book-reading, class-taking, fact-memorizing intelligent types tend to be snooty and thus annoying.

The flexible-brain intelligent types tend to be unconventional and fun.

Personally, i consider myself an idiotic intellectual.

It has it's pros and cons, and defies all logic.

[/tangent]

On the physical side....... *thinks*

Uh.. Everything?

Bad answer. *thinks some more*

A nice, biteable (not in a loony vampire wannabe way) neck.

And backs. Woo backs. When you can see the outline of spine/shoulder blades. Meow.

Ok that's two. Three. I've now firmly established my freak hood.

Think i'm going to try this sleep thing again.

 

:: addition: next day::

 

I am also shamelessly attracted to boys with guitars. Why? Who knows? Perhaps I am living in the vain hope that they have a good sense of rhythm and are good with their hands ;)

 

::addition: the day after the next day::

 

I think the most attractive feature a person can have is their personality. I usually go for guys that don't care about what everyone else thinks, arent all over every girl in school and def. have a good head on their shoulders.(both heads.. LoL sorry that was my horny side talking)  I think the most attractive feature in a girl guys look for is whether or not they obsess. I mean who wants a girl who obsesses over the guy 24-7.Guys like to do their own thing and for a girl to do the same is a big turn on. Eyes are another turn on that can tell you a lot about a person. I think that eyes are the windows to a persons soul. I mean looking into someone's eyes when they are upset, happy, calm. .u can just see where they've been, how they feel, what they need/desire. Its all a crazy puzzle and every person has their own..U just need to fit all your pieces together and once u figured that out thats the most attractive feature of all.. Melody

 

He says it's impossible... But I know it's possible He says it's impossible without him... But I know it's possible To finally be in love... And know the real meaning of A lasting relationship... Not based on ownership I trust every part of u.... Cause all that you say you do You love me despite myself Sometimes I... I fight myself I just can't believe that you.... Would have anything to do With someone so insecure... Someone so immature Ohh you inspire me, to be the higher me

You make my desire pure... You make my desire pure Just tell me what to say... I can't find the words to say Please don't be mad with me... I have no identity All that I've known is gone... All I was building on I wanna walk wit you, how do I talk to you?

Touch my mouth with your hands... Touch my mouth with your hands Lauryn Hill ~ peace of mind

 

 written the week of june 16th

 

Every night I whisper your name at the top of my lungs.

Sometimes things happen that you don't plan on. And they end up changing everything. And you never want them to happen, and some of them you do want. But somehow, in some way your better off with them happening...

This week has either been the best week or the worst week of my life. I started out nice sat. and sun. were my last days at work it was really hard leaving all my friends I really dont kno if they knew how much they really meant to me. Then Sunday after work I ran over to warehouse and bought tickets!! Fuckin like 5th row its the shit. For the one the only **Sheryl Crow**!!!

 

We got our yearbooks too. There ehI guess acceptable. Yeah actually theyre nice. I went to my best friend Hannahs 8th grade grad. On Thursday, she looked absolutely beautiful. Sometimes I wish I were back in the 8th, god things back them were so much simpler. I wish sometimes that I could go back and have all the knowledge that I have now. There would be so much I would change. Id change everything.i would take back everything I every said, I would change my entire view and path in life to make me better today. I kno there where so many things I could of changed back then that I did. But you cant go back to past. So its just a dream.

I also went to our senior grad. last night. I kno I not excited to grad. well that came out wrong, Im excited to leave school, I just dont understand what the big deal of grad. Is, except for the fact that youll never see your friends again. But, I guess that is kinda sad. Well anyways I kno that soon everyone will forget everyone else and move on with there lives..( and I kno that not what people wanna hear but its reality) But I do have one year till I graduate and maybe my prospective will change.

 

Melody

 

"I'm not afraid to go backward and fix what we broke. My gaze falls behind, you make desire seem so easy. I hold off sleep, it's so silent without you here. Don't give up now, it would all be for nothing. I believe in second chances. I believe the years forget. Let me fill these empty spaces... Better late than never... Stay forever. There's always room for one more mistake. Can you feel that? I think we're moving in the right direction. I was someone else then. I'd take it back if you would let me. We were never this close when we were young. Every night I whisper your name at the top my lungs." -SR-71 'Empty Spaces'

 

written for the week of june 1st: 

Maybe youre gonna be the one who saves me

I feel like everythings' changed... It's kinda hard to explain. The way I feel about certain people is completely different now. I not even sure why. It's just one of my stages, I guess. It's the whole getting tired of people. I just realized that things aren't gonna happen as I planned and people lie. It's nice to believe in things, but eventually you have to wake up and see all it really was, was just wishful thinking.

Chill out , What you yellin for? Lay back, It's all been done before, And if you could only let it be, You will see, I like you the way you are, When we're drivin in your car, And you're talkin to me one-on-one, But you become, Somebody else, Round everyone else, Watchin your back, Like you can't relax, You tryin to be cool, You look like a fool to me, Tell me.. AVRIL LAVIGNE complicated

 Ive been really thinking a lot lately about nothing in particular. Its not right, I just think to much ~overanalyze things I guess is what I mean. Then I get frustrated I only think so much because I have the time, Im so lonely.

Well I guess the good news in that Im finally getting my guitar. Im really excited. I hope I will be good at it, I already have a couple of songs written.

Ive been working a lot on some drawings (hopefully for a future CD cover ~ ok maybe Im pushing the limits of my new guitar abilities) will anyways I just finished this really beautiful one of a women holding a record. Im planning on showing it to John G. the reason is that in Hawaii he asked me what I like to do in my free time and I didnt give him an answer. Well I wanna show him that Im not a loser and I do things to keep my self preoccupied from self destruction. I think that this is the best work that I have ever done in my life thats why Im confident enough to show him. I usually dont show any of my work (of any sort) to anyone.